Reflections by Dr. Paul Blythe

Understanding the process helps a lot, even though our society would not wish grief on anyone!

Best selling author, Dr. Harold Kushner offered a truly life saving insight about tragedy.
In Kushner's book: When Bad Things Happen To Good People, he said many well meaning friends, therapists and clergy are quick to explain tragedies.

Harold points out, nevertheless, our grief is real; even though it is hard! Explaining it away, only suggests to us that loss was not all that important anyway. Also, our culture uses words like: "he broke down." or "he just totally lost it!" These words suggest weakness, or lack of control.

Grieving people need support and comfort, not pious judgments about seeming weak!
Also, our cushy culture, seeking fast, fast relief at the first sign of a head ache, tells us we are not allowed to have sadness in our lives.
Yet it is noble to grieve, because we express the courage to honor the lost thing or person!

Making Sense of Grief:

A loss is a loss and a big loss is a big loss!
Think of our memories, stored in logical groupings. We can call these mindsets. So we have a mindset for food, another mindset for work, another for our marriage, another for family (usually big, containing many people)

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Grief is what we experience when we have a hole in our mindset!

Grieving is a must! It is the way we repair that hole! If we allow ourselves to grieve properly, tears of sadness will come. But, the tears will trigger our body's endorphins (like homemade morphine) to ease the pain. It may seem the tears will never stop, but we all stop crying in our own good time.

Next we can bet on the following sequence, each for short or longer periods as needed:
* Numbness, starts with our sense of loss. (giving us time to get organized).
* Anger, maybe at the lost loved one (which can seem silly), maybe at God;
* Bargaining, trying to repair the mindset, by asking the lost being to return, or not go so quickly
* Depression, here's where we admit to the inevitable, and that we can't turn it around;
* Acceptance, here's where we feel like our mindset is healing over and life can go on, even if we carry "a scar."
The scar can be a private badge of honor because most would agree: "Better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all."
Resuming normal activities, finally, seems to mark the end of grieving. But, it is sure to bubble up again from time to time.

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